If Transformers was a good movie, it would be called The Avengers

One of the perks of being a teacher (along with three months off in the summer) is getting to go on field trips.  Friday morning I had the opportunity to accompany nearly 900 middle schoolers to a private screening of "The Avengers." Amidst the hushing of children and the throwing of popcorn, I was able to take in all the slow-motion, out-of-focus-into-focus, 100 mph action and bantering dialogue.  As I graciously accepted my thanks during the credits (that's right, I fell into the category of "residents of Cleveland, Ohio and Cuyahoga County" at the time of filming), I couldn't help but feel that I had seen this movie before.  

Later, as I was thinking about ways of creating and implementing sustainable, clean energy (alright, alright, I was actually watching How I Met Your Mother because I can't get enough Cobie Smulders), it hit me:  The Avengers is a remake of Michael Bay's 2007 movie Transformers.  Let's spell it out. 

In both movies: 

1. A small, cube-shaped, unlimited-self-sustaining energy source drives the conflict in both movies. 

Transformers:  Allspark 

Avengers:  Tesseract

2. An eccentric character is in charge and hides all of this from the public. 

Transformers: John Turturro's Agent Simmons

Avengers: Samuel L. Jackson's Nick Fury

3. An evil, hate-filled alien desires to conquer the human race for no apparent reason. 

Transformers: Megatron

Avengers: Loki

4. A loving, invincible-in-battle alien loves the human race for no apparent reason. 

Transformers: Optimus Prime

Avengers: Thor

5. A brunette with no purpose in the movie is provided for eye candy. 

Transformers: Megan Fox

Avengers: Colbie Smulders

6. It takes about an 90 minutes for all of the good guys to come together. 

(self-explanatory) 

7. All of the bad guys show up with about 20 minutes left in the movie. 

(panned in Transformers, but loved in Avengers, mostly due to Loki's excellent and incessant talking/stalling)

8. The coolest scene is a character changing from one thing to another. 

Transformers: Prime's first appearance. 

Avengers: Banner willingly, instantly, painlessly becoming the Hulk. 

9. The climactic battle scene takes place in a major city. 

Transformers: Los Angeles 

Avengers: New York (Chester Avenue) 

10. The unlimited, self-sustaining energy source is destroyed by using the bad guy's weapon.

Transformers: Megatron absorbs the energy. 

Avengers: Loki's "glow stick of destiny"

11. Normal humans are incapable of doing anything remotely related to protecting themselves. 

(Although 8/10 guys are thinking, "I would have fought if I was there!") 

12. The good guys disband and try to lead normal lives, but are ready to come together again when they are needed. 

(Kind of a cop-out because the Transformers are stuck here on Earth.)

13. At the end of the movie, a bigger, badder alien is super-pissed that the human race was not conquered. 

Transformers: The Fallen

Avengers: Creepy red dude whose name I don't know because I don't read comics that often. 

If they are so similar, however, why is it that Avengers is setting records at the box office (445 million in three days internationally) and Transformers is only remembered as one of Bernie Mac's greatest performances (Uncle Bobby B!)...at least in my book? 

The answer (aside from the fact that Avengers has better writing, an incredible cast, and Michael Bay is a terrible director) is simple: everyone wants to be a superhero and no one wants to be a Transformer. 

Now, I admittedly don’t know that much about being an Autobot.  I would assume that it would be fun to have the ability to turn into any machine and possess supercharged weapons that can out-battle any force in the universe – but ultimately, it sounds like a pretty lonely existence.  Bumblebee and Sam have the closest thing to a relationship in the Transformers movies, and thanks to the Allspark, there is no need for significant others. (Quick tangent:  Instead of a sausage-fest, would an all-male get together of Transformers be called a tail-pipe party?).  Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that when I watch Mr. Bay’s special effects spectacular, I don’t find myself thinking, “Wow, I wish I could do that!”

The Avengers are completely different.  They are all human (with the exception of Thor) so it is incredibly easy to watch and say, “If I was a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist I could be Iron Man!” or, “If I suffered a horrible accident like Dr. Banner, I could be the Hulk!” or, “If I had a black t-shirt, I could be Hawkeye!”  It’s easy, appealing, and exhilarating to project yourself as one of the Avengers, running around on the big screen saving Manhattan (and humanity).

Let’s look at each of the Avengers.  I’ve asked my good friend and protégé Thayer, who knows more about comic books than John Madden knows about onomatopoeias, to boil down and summarize each of Avengers in Joss Whedon’s film.  This is what he came up with:

Tony Stark/Iron Man: Tony Stark is a Bruce Wayne with a sports car color scheme and born without a give a fuck. Remember the funny asshole persona Bruce Wayne only adopts at charity events to throw people off his trail? Tony Stark relishes being rich, a superhero, and the fact that he could show your woman why he is called Iron Man. On top of being a stone cold badass his Iron Man suit can stand toe to toe with any of the Avengers and Loki himself.

Steve Rogers/Captain America: Out of the bunch I find Steve Rogers to be the most charming. It could be his old fashioned good old boy sensibilities or the fact that he is the epitome of weak boys fantasy to one day become a muscular Hercules. Since knocking the teeth out of the Axis powers in WWII he's been on ice and with the Avengers he brings the same natural leadership that he displayed over in Europe. Although he isn't invincible like Superman, Captain is as strong as they come and the peak of human physical perfection and is the natural man to stand up to Loki and his alien army.

Thor: I've loved Thor ever since his debut in Kenneth Braunaugh's blockbuster hit last year. With flight, super strength, invincibility, and a lifetime of training for war he is the heavy hitting commando of the team, even more so in many ways than the Super-Soldier himself. Stopping Loki has a whole other level for Thor and his fish out of water attitude make him a dynamic character for the team. He is also one of the few who can stand toe to toe with the Hulk. Also, while watching the Avengers substitute James Franco and Danny McBride from Your Highness for any scene with just Loki and Thor (trust me).

Bruce Banner/The Hulk:  This is Hulks third go around on the big screen and I think they finally have it right.  Eric Banas was a wimp and while I liked Ed Norton his doucheyness behind the scenes ruined it for me. Hulk is one of the stongest, most badass characters in all of comics and he can wipe the floor with literally anyone.  The beast pretty much cannot be killed either.  The Avengers understand that we don’t want a tortured giant – we want an angry motherfucker.  The war that Loki brings to earth is the perfect stage for that, and the Hulk seems to accept what he is.

Black Widow/Hawkeye:  You have Scarlett Johanssen in too many clothes and a less effeminate Legolas.

Read those summaries again, but this time, substitute your name for all of the characters names.  Don’t you feel awesome? It’s also gender neutral.  Anyone, man or woman, could be Iron Man.  If I dedicated my body and mind to it, I could jump around, dodge arrows, and commandeer enemy flying machines like the Black Widow does.  I’ll never be able to turn my entire arm into a double-bladed energon axe, Optimus Prime-style, and that’s exactly why The Avengers will always be better than Transformers.  

In ten years, my jaw will still drop when Thor drops his hammer, the hair will stand up on the back of my neck when AC/DC starts playing and I see a streak of light, and I’ll still jump out of my seat and pump my fist when Bruce Banner finally shows us his “secret.”  I couldn’t even find anyone to write a summary of Autobots and Decepticons.  So suspend your disbelief for a while, put up with Samuel L. Jackson (who only looked like he was enjoying himself when he was holding a rocket launcher), and imagine that it’s you up on that screen, destroying Loki’s army.  After all, that’s why we watch.