An Open Letter to Sasquatch

Dear Mr. Sasquatch

I hope this letter finds you well.  I hope this letter finds you period.

I write this letter to publicly and officially invite you to the World's-Greatest-Memorial-Day-Barbecue-Get-Together.  I want the entire world to know that you are welcome to show up at 498 Meade Circle, in Memphis, TN, anytime between 3pm-10pm on Monday, May 28.

After consulting the experts, I could not determine what food you would actually like to eat, so I am taking my best guess.  I will be providing and grilling all the meat (steaks and pork chops!), as well as corn-on-the-cob.  You are not required to bring anything, but either a light side dish or a small donation would be appreciated. You are also welcome to bring a guest if you wish, just please let me know the number (it's so embarrassing to run out of supplies!)

I do not take it personally that you have continually ignored my previous invitations.  My 21st birthday party, as well as my college graduation party still went well, even though your absence was noticeable.  I learned my lesson after my high school graduation open house not to look forward to your appearance.

I understand that you are a busy and reclusive creature, (and flights from the overgrown Pacific Northwest are so expensive right now!) but your appearance would be greatly appreciated.  It's been so long, no one can even agree on what you actually look like!  Stop hanging around old abandoned construction sights, enjoy a nice bratwurst, and maybe play a game of lawn darts.

I look forward to finally meeting you!

Your friend,

A. Byers

ps. I've been working on several jokes where I inadvertently confuse you with the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger.  They will be sure to get a few laughs.

10 Reasons Why Tennessee is Better than Ohio (and vice versa)

At softball practice today, one of my girls told me that she really wanted to stick her hand in the pitching machine just to "see what would happen."  The psychoanalyst in me took over, and I foolishly began to explain Freud's concept of the unconscious "death wish" that exists in all humans. Of course, the 14-year-old did not understand and informed me that the real reason she wouldn't do it was because she didn't want to mess up her nails.  So on my ride home, as I was thinking about death and sad things, my thoughts inevitably drifted to Cleveland.  While the "Mistake by the Lake" faces many hardships, I still love the city and am proud to call it my home. 

I have almost spent a full calendar year living in Memphis, Tennessee.  By all accounts, I have greatly enjoyed my time here.  I have met many ambitious, hard-working people, made life-long friends, and even made my first-ever car payment in the last twelve months.  I've enjoyed local bands, the region's famous food, and have successfully avoided Tennessee law enforcement.  I wouldn't consider it a stretch to say that I've got my finger on the pulse of Memphis.  It's a great city, but is living in Tennessee better than living in Ohio? Let's hash out the ten most important things when it comes to deciding state superiority, and decide once and for all. 

#10. State Taxes. 

Tennessee wins this one easily:  there's really nothing to even say.  No state income tax? Be still my heart.  That just leaves more money in my pocket for indulging in the rest of the items on this list. Winner: Tennessee. 

#9. Roads

Again, a category as unfair as the Bowl Championship Series.  Most of Ohio has to suffer through long icy winters, and tons of salt has to be used on the roads, destroying the asphalt and ruining dreams of snow days everywhere.  Tennessee suffers nothing of the like, is mostly devoid of potholes, and has higher speed limits to boot. 

Winner: Tennessee. 

#8. Geography

Here's where it gets interesting. Both states have mountains on the far side (read: the side I don't live on) of the state.  Both states have a capital city in the center of the state. Both states are suffering economically. Both states are bordered by famous rivers. Both states depend primarily on agriculture.  Both have three major cities, and then several other cities that have just become overgrown pit stops with some hotels.  Just about everything in this category is a tie, except for one thing:  Lake Erie.  For everything that Tennessee can boast, it just can't compete to being out on a boat and looking at Cleveland's skyline. 

Winner: Ohio

#7. People Watching

Everyone's favorite hobby that they never want to talk about.  I feel like I could write an entire blog post about the psychological gratification of people watching, but that's for another time.  Obviously, the best places to people watch are barbecues, tailgates, fairs, and festivals (basically, any place where you would find yourself holding a red solo cup). Memphis runs away with each of those categories:  not to mention Beale Street at all.  From Raiford and Paula's Disco, to Wild Bill's, to Crawfish Festivals, Memphis provides all types of opportunities to observe people that don't care if you're watching them (and they're the best kind).  Ohio has the trump card though, and that is Cedar Point.  People at Cedar Point care only about one thing: riding roller coasters.  Everyone puts aside their differences to be raised up at a 45 degree angle and dropped at speeds in excess of 80 mph.  It's the ultimate people watching experience. 

Winner: Ohio

#6. Cell Phone Reception

Nothing is more frustrating then trying to send that perfectly witty text to a friend (that you know will make them laugh, and you'll look like a comedic genius)... only to find that you don't have any reception.  You end up holding the phone above your head, waving it around like a crazed person, hoping that some stray tower will notice your plight.  It's a rough situation to be in.  However, both Tennessee and Ohio, for the most part, have taken a stand against this tyranny, and I've been able to get reception anywhere, with one exception in each state.  In Tennessee, the Smoky Mountains offer only frustration and anguish when you are desperately pleading with your iphone to "send." In the Buckeye state, it's when you're on the beaches of Lake Erie that you'll be cut off from the rest of the world.  Both deadspots seem totally forgivable when you consider the relaxation they provide, so this one end up being a draw. 

Winner: Tie

#5. Food

In this corner, hailing from Eastern Europe, now a staple in all Cleveland diets: The Pierogi! (this link is for all you Tennessee friends who don't know what I'm talking about).

...and in this corner, fresh from the smoker, dry-never-wet, Memphis style Ribs! (this link is for Ron Swanson). 

Both Ohio and Tennessee have tremendous food. Ohio leans heavy on the ethnic food, but also boasts great American cuisine at restaurants like Melt and Michael Symon's Lola.  Tennessee however, has more barbecue than even Brady Hoke could eat.  With too many BBQ places to count, Memphis also offers the life-changing experience that is Gus's Fried Chicken.  Cleveland's Great Lakes Brewery is head and shoulders above Memphis's Ghost River Brewery, but Memphis also has much better sweet tea. The deciding factor ends up being which state has more Cracker Barrels. 

One thing is for sure:  You won't go hungry in either place. 

Winner: Tennessee

#4. Music

Cleveland puts up a valiant fight, boasting the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame and talented artists such as Kid Cudi, Machine Gun Kelly, and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, but this was never even a contest.  I can't even begin to describe the importance of music in here in the Bluff City.  Memphis wins this one like Tiger Woods pre-meltdown.  If you've been to Memphis, then you know what I'm talking about.  If you haven't been to Memphis, shame on you. 

Winner: Tennesee

#3. Weather

Before we debate the weather between these two states, it needs to be said that the mosquitos in Tennessee are terrible.  Just terrible.  I'm not even sure that this should go in this section, but it needs to be known.  It's too egregious to just ignore.  On a related note, Tennessee's weather is incredibly nice. There is the mild winter, the absolutely gorgeous fall and spring, and while the summer has the sweltering heat and humidity going on, you can always find ways to cool down.  Ohio, on the other hand, has what we call diversity.  (No, Ron Burgundy, not the old wooden ship Diversity).  30 degrees one day, 75 degrees the next. Snow. Cloud Cover. Sun. Hail. Bearable summers. Crisp autumns. Agonizing winters. Wet springs. Dress in Layers! 

Winner: Ohio

#2. Distance from Michigan

Tennessee is farther away from Michigan than Ohio. 

Winner: Tennessee

#1. Sports Teams 

First things first:  there is no way that I can even pretend that Ohio won't win this category.  Tennessee has the SEC and the city of Memphis is much more attached to its basketball than any Ohio city, but overall, it doesn't come close to Ohio's sports passion.  No fan base is as loyal at Cleveland's (based on total years with no championships). No college fan base is larger that Ohio State's (based on my personal opinion).  The sports section in the Plain Dealer is twice as large as the same section in the Commercial Appeal (yes, Ohio friends, that's the name of our newspaper). As tortured as Cleveland fans are, they are the best in the world. 

That brings the final score to 4-5-1 in favor of Tennessee.  Ohio may have come up short, but Woody Hayes went 4-5-1 against Bo Schembechler, so I'm okay with that.   

Thanks for reading. 

This post was written while listening to Woody Guthrie.  

First Post

Well, I've finally grown desperate enough for a creative outlet that I have decided to write a blog for myself.  That's the thing about this blog, and I'll be right up front about it:  this blog is for me.  As a twenty-three year old schoolteacher, living in a city 760 miles away from home base, with two roommates, no family, and no girlfriend, I've found myself with an inordinate amount of time to myself.  During this time, I've steadfastly honed my reflection skills and spent (way too) many hours thinking about life, the universe, and everything, as they say.  Occasionally, I think about something that I consider to be profound, having some effect on my life in either an overt or obscure way.  These are the things that I want to write down.  In 1850, antebellum Memphis, Tennessee, maybe I would have kept a diary, or journal.  In this lightning-quick-social-media-driven-day-and-age, however, I feel compelled to write these thoughts down in a blog, where anyone could read them whenever they wanted, except for Michigan fans, who probably still use AOL.

A couple of things:

1. I reserve the right to change my mind on anything that I write about at any time:  after a year, a month, an hour, the next post, the same post, or even the same paragraph (although, as I tell my students, when you change an idea, you need to change paragraphs, so we'll see).  I'm still in my early 20's, and forming my opinion of the world:  please be flexible.

2. I will make excessive/inappropriate use of the semicolon:  please adapt.

3. In the spirit of Bill Simmons, I will not be ashamed to let my love of the Cleveland sports teams shine through in my blog, even though I now live in a different (and beautiful) state. Slights against Pittsburgh and Michigan may happen as well as a tiny bit of complaining about Cleveland and sports luck.

4. I have no idea what I actually want this blog to be about, I just know I need to write again. It's kinda like in the movie "Homeward Bound," Shadow knows that he needs to lead Michael J. Fox and Julia Louis-Dreyfus over the mountains to get home to Peter, but he doesn't know "why," and he has certainly no idea what will happen.

So as I embark on this journey home, I look forward (cue extended metaphor music) to Sassy getting washed over a waterfall, Chance getting hit by a porcupine tale, Shadow falling in a giant pit, and (spoiler alert!) everyone surviving.

thank you for reading

(and hopefully having watched Homeward Bound at some point).