Dear Mr. Sasquatch
I hope this letter finds you well. I hope this letter finds you period.
I write this letter to publicly and officially invite you to the World's-Greatest-Memorial-Day-Barbecue-Get-Together. I want the entire world to know that you are welcome to show up at 498 Meade Circle, in Memphis, TN, anytime between 3pm-10pm on Monday, May 28.
After consulting the experts, I could not determine what food you would actually like to eat, so I am taking my best guess. I will be providing and grilling all the meat (steaks and pork chops!), as well as corn-on-the-cob. You are not required to bring anything, but either a light side dish or a small donation would be appreciated. You are also welcome to bring a guest if you wish, just please let me know the number (it's so embarrassing to run out of supplies!)
I do not take it personally that you have continually ignored my previous invitations. My 21st birthday party, as well as my college graduation party still went well, even though your absence was noticeable. I learned my lesson after my high school graduation open house not to look forward to your appearance.
I understand that you are a busy and reclusive creature, (and flights from the overgrown Pacific Northwest are so expensive right now!) but your appearance would be greatly appreciated. It's been so long, no one can even agree on what you actually look like! Stop hanging around old abandoned construction sights, enjoy a nice bratwurst, and maybe play a game of lawn darts.
I look forward to finally meeting you!
Your friend,
A. Byers
ps. I've been working on several jokes where I inadvertently confuse you with the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger. They will be sure to get a few laughs.
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